|
|
|
|
Conflict ( c)Ingrid Lawrenz, M.S.W.reprinted from Just Between Us magazine Jesus said "in this world you will have trouble." Part of that trouble is the inevitability of conflict. We cannot avoid it, although some people try. When sin entered the world alienation and conflict occurred between God and human beings, and immediately, between human beings. In this world everything is bent by sin's presence. Try as we might, we continually fail, people disagree, make mistakes, and mis-communicate. Learning when and how appropriately to resolve conflict is a hallmark of Christian maturity. After all in 2 Cor. 5:17-21 we are called to a ministry of reconciliation. However, it is unrealistic to think we can completely reconcile all situations. Jesus also said he came to bring not peace but a sword (Mat.10:34-39). People in ministry cannot control the hardened hearts of those bent on sin. Sadly, a Christian will be devastated by the conflict brought if his or her spouse gets into an affair . In great frustration hurting parents put up boundaries when their adult children journey into drugs, crime, or New Age philosophy. We cannot recommend peace at any price. This would compromise truth and morality (See 1 Cor. 5:1-12, 2 Thes. 2 & 3, Eph. 4:17-19 & 5:3-6.). Jesus had his share of conflicts with the Pharisees and religious leaders of his day. He never abdicated the truth by trying to placate Pilate even though the conflict led to his death-a death which allows us the privilege of being forgiven and forgiving others who hurt us. It calls us to seek peace and not revenge. No one likes conflict. A parent doesn't enjoy disciplining a child. A pastor hates church controversies. A couple feels their blood run cold when anger fills the room when they quarrel. A person feels a knife in his abdomen when ridiculed by a friend. Conflict brings anger, fear, hurt, confusion and shame for wrongs we have done and from being separated from someone we care about. Fear points to danger or impending loss. Hurt urges us to run and protect ourselves from further harm. Anger energizes and compels us to stand up against a perceived wrong; it tells us something that is not right should change. Yet anger can leave us feeling alienated. People often presume anger means a relationship has to end or the other person has to change, but sometimes the resolution lies in our changing our expectations of the other person. For example, we can confront someone for his chronic lateness and maybe he'll adjust; but if not, our anger can also be resolved by accepting his style of "lateness," and adjusting to it. Or our anger over someone not liking the music we just performed can lead us to change our expectation that others must appreciate the same things we do. Anger is an emotion that needs to come and go, not fester, or it will turn to bitterness, sin, or depression. Anger needs some kind of resolution that results in letting go or forgiveness (see Table A & B). This is why the Bible says "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" (See also Col. 3:1-17, Eph. 4:20-32, I Peter 3:8-14). Conflict doesn't have to be destructive. It can open up and improve frustrating situations and misunderstandings. It can lead to healing, personal and spiritual growth, or further intimacy and needed readjustments, even though the resolution may not always be perfect or look like what you would have expected (see Table B). When in the midst of conflict it is very helpful to think in terms of that popular kids' bracelet with the letters "WWJD"-meaning "what would Jesus do?" Or what would Jesus want me to do? (see Table C). This puts the focus on seeking God's holiness and being a person of spiritual integrity instead of just getting our way. This attitude is more likely to result in humility and confession instead of pride which tries to win or save face. Also this attitude will help us focus on seeking the truth and what is right. After all it is ultimately unhelpful in a conflict to think in terms of how I can make the other person like me or be happy, which at best is a short term band aid, and may actually make the other person very powerful and more important to you than God and his truth or reality. As parents we know we can stop a temper tantrum very quickly if we just give the child whatever he or she wants, but we end up with a spoiled, out-of-control child, who will simply demand more and more. Adults who are regularly placated are not different. We do need to seek peace but not at the price of real resolution, or loss of integrity before God (see 2 Thes. 3:14-15). There comes a great sense of inner peace when to the best of our knowledge our conscience is clear before the Lord and we remain open to the Holy Spirit's direction (humbly bearing in mind that our conscience is not infallible either, see 1 Cor. 4:4). It is freeing to realize we are only responsible for ourselves-our behavior and attitudes. We are not responsible for the choices or the reactions of people. Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (see Table D). Sometimes conflict escalates before it gets better. Destructive escalation, however, is not helpful. It can occur if the other party has a complicating problem (see Table E). This can greatly limit the possibility of reconciliation between the parties or may require a neutral or professional third party to be drawn in for help. Often we can then only turn the situation over to God and concern ourselves with seeking integrity in the midst of the conflict. It is both humbling and discouraging not to be able to repair and resolve a conflict. You think you see it clearly, you've admitted your mistakes, you've tried convincing through logic, truth and grace but still find no reconciliation. We feel helpless when we realize how little we can control. Spiritual maturity, intellect and insight at such times do not seem to make a difference. Pride in our abilities to deal with other people may need to give way to total dependence on God alone. God has given people free will. The most any of us can say is that we see through a glass darkly. Jesus knows our pain. He didn't convince everyone to be reconciled to God. Judas betrayed him-a disciple become enemy. It is comforting to know that when the dispute is between believers there will be an ultimate revealing of truth and reconciliation. God will ultimately vindicate, and the Evil One who loves conflict and confusion will be destroyed. Many of our heroes have been people who stood firm during a conflict-King David, Elijah, Paul, and in more recent history, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Churchill and Martin Luther. Pastors and their wives have often gained great respect from their congregations by the character of humility, truth, love and forbearance they have shown to contentious people. On the other hand, spouses or parents have humiliated themselves when they became either Jell-O or selfishly-self righteous and full of rage when disagreements arose. Being a Christian model does not mean making everyone happy, it often comes through the challenging times of conflict when character is tested by shame, anger, hurt and fear. This is why premarital couples are always advised to have worked through several conflicts before a marriage date is set. In Proverbs it says "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another." Sparks may fly, but we are tested, matured and refined in the process. A relationship feels so much more secure when it has weathered many conflicts and love and respect have only been deepened. Table A: Steps to Resolving Conflict * Pray. * Talk; put the truth on the table. * Listen-fully, quietly, respectfully. * Ask clarifying questions. * Try to understand the other person's perspective. * Admit any grain of truth about your part in conflict. * Confess and apologize for your sins and mistakes. * Seek to love the person in spite of disagreement. * Uphold truth and reality (instead of wanting peace at any price). * Offer forgiveness. * Arrive at agreement or understanding. Table B: Possible Goals * increased intimacy * mutual forgiveness * new understanding - "win-win" "you count and I count" * behavioral changes made and agreed to * adjusted expectations of person or relationship * increased boundaries; more distance but not rejection * acceptance of differences * compromise * creative problem-solving ideas * agree to disagree with mutual respect * personal integrity maintained even if problem remains unresolved * detach; let go; turn the situation over to God when you've done all you can Table C: When in Conflict, Do... * have Christ's attitude * speak truthfully * seek reconciliation * forgive * forbear * be loving and compassionate * listen * confess any part you may have in it * try to resolve quickly * put the person above your pride * try to put yourself in their shoes * explain your feelings * describe what you'd like to see different * be willing to compromise * problem solve creatively * agree to disagree if at an impasse * accept differences as normal * take your time or a "time out" if needed * use your emotions as signals to help you * discern the situation When in Conflict, Do Not... * sin (give Satan a foothold) * seek revenge * sin in anger * lie, cover up * compromise truth * swear * slander * belittle, call the other person a "fool" * rage * brawl, hurt, abuse * blame * assume you know their motives * give silent treatment * act like a victim * try to "win" * act impulsively * let your emotions control you * crumble and take all shame & blame * presume to change the other person * pay back insult for insult
Table D: When in Conflict Discern What You Can and Can't Control "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18 Goal: To honor God and maintain your integrity no matter what the outcome. What you can control * your attitude * your choice of words * your behavior * your motives * your confession * your repentance * your forgiveness of others and self * your honesty * your listening * your empathy * your extension of grace and mercy * how you manage your emotions * what you tell yourself about why the conflict is happening * how you will act toward the other person in the future * how much you tolerate * when you need to set a boundary * how vulnerable to be * what you choose to believe * who you tell about the situation * if you'll discuss a certain subject or not What you cannot control * how the other person treats you * what the other person says to you * what the other person thinks or believes * how the other person feels * what the other person admits or takes responsibility for * if the other person will understand you * if the other person will believe you * if the other person will judge you * if the other person will forgive you * if the other person will "like" you * if the other person will change * if the other person shows grace or mercy * if the other person will ever do "it" again * what the other person wants * what the other person says about you to others * how the other person is different from you Table E: Extreme Conflict Some conditions of conflict are so severe that resolution is very difficult. Some situations may call for the intervention of a third party, a pastor, counselor, physician, or the police. You may need to protect yourself. * If the person threatens suicide. * If the person rages, swears, screams when confronted. * If the there is a threat of physical abuse. * If the person is abusing a substance. * If the person never admits to being wrong or accepts responsibility. * If the person avoids or refuses contact. * If the person uses children as pawns. * If the person is always angry and can never be satisfied. * If somebody has to win - (somebody has to be bad). * If the person is paranoid - "everyone is out to get me." * If the person punishes, slanders, seeks revenge. * If the person's thinking and reasoning are impaired. * If you are getting displaced anger that someone from the past actually deserves ("all men are bad," "all friends abandon me," "all women use me").
|
Send mail to Webmaster@newliferesourcesinc.com with
questions or comments about this web site.
|