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Forgiveness: Faith, Practice, and
Psychological Findings
The Pastoral Care Education Series
presented by Daniel R. Green, Ph.D.,
Licensed Psychologist, Clinical Director, New Life Resources, Inc.
Forgiveness is ...
PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFINITIONS:
"...the set of motivational changes whereby one becomes (a)
decreasingly motivated to retaliate against an offending relationship
partner, (b) decreasingly motivated to maintain estrangement from the
offender, and (c) increasingly motivated by conciliation and goodwill for
the offender, despite the offender’s hurtful actions" McCullough, et
al., 1997
"Forgiveness is a motivation to reduce avoidance of and withdrawal
from a person who has hurt us, as well as the anger, desire for revenge, and
urge to retaliate against that person." Worthington, 1999
"...the forgoing of vengeful behavior, which be posited to be an
implicit expression of the victim’s self-worth" Heider, 1958
"...the reduction in avoidance motivation and revenge motivation
following an interpersonal offense..." McCullough et al., 1998
"A willingness to abandon one’s rights to resentment, negative
judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly injured us, while
fostering the undeserved qualities on compassion, generosity, and even love
toward him or her" Robert D. Enright, (1991) Human Development Study
Group, University of Wisconsin - Madison
Implications... Robert D. Enright, (1991)
1. Offended person suffered an unjust, perhaps deep, hurt from another.
2. The offended willingly chooses to forgive – a volitional act.
3. The offender’s new stance includes affect, cognition, and behavior.
4. The offended may unconditionally forgive regardless to the offender’s
current attitudes or behaviors.
WHAT DOES SCRIPTURE TELL US?.
Forgiveness is...
L an attitude of mercy or love Eph 4:32
L cancellation of an obligation Mat 18:21-35; Luke 6:37
to release, to hurl away, to free yourself form something, let go of the
bitterness and resentment resulting from being wronged Mark 11:25
L forgiveness is possible due to Jesus’ sacrificial
death — the debt is paid Rom 6:10
L the application of Grace and Truth
Forgiveness is not...
R justifying, condoning, making excuses for,
"understanding" why the wrong occurred
R compromise of morality, righteousness, justice
R just forgetting about the wrong, hoping time will
heal
R a violation of justice
R avoidance of conflict
R dismissing, minimizing
R denying that you felt hurt, anger
R magic, cheap, always easy
R asking God to forgive person who wronged you
R asking God to forgive you for your anger, hurt, or
other emotional reactions
R reconciliation
Cost of not forgiving...
I feel judgmental, hateful, shameful, resentful, bitter, powerless,
victimized...
physical, psychosomatic distress
bondage, indebted to the one who wronged me — avoidance, withdrawal,
pulling back
disobedience to God, disconnected
L judgement is turned on the self
L loss of celebration in the community
L loss of Joy
L loss of love
L we become our own torturer
L chronic victim position
Benefits of forgiving...
U I feel free, accepting, merciful, clean,
non-judgmental...
U I can think clearly and realistically regarding what
happened and who is responsible.
U healing — emotionally, physically, spiritually,
mentally, relationally
U reconnection with God, truth, self, and possibly
others
U resolution of the victim role
Blocks to forgiving...
; fear - of further hurt, vulnerability
; anger,
secondary anger
; bitterness, hate
; continuation of the wrongdoing
; absence of an apology
; seeking revenge or retaliation — vigilante
justice
; seeking to just accept the hurt and move on
; saying one has forgiven but privately holding on to
unforgiveness
; not a matter for forgiveness
; do not know how to forgive
How Do I Forgive? The Research
The Psychology of Interpersonal Forgiveness
Enright, Freedman, & Rique, (1998),
Human Development Study Group, University of Wisconsin -Madison
An educational program that recognized that ...
L people do not consciously consider forgiving when
injured by another
L people respond to injustice with various strategies
trying to reverse the injustice and with various healing strategies
L people need to be taught that (1) forgiveness is
possible and (2) how to forgive
Psychological Variables – Forgiveness
Uncovering Phase
1. Examination of psychological defenses.
2. Confrontation of anger, the point is to release, not harbor, the anger.
3. Admittance of shame, when this is appropriate.
4. Awareness of cathexis
5. Awareness of cognitive rehearsal of the offense.
6. Insight that the injured party may be comparing self with the injurer.
7. Realization that oneself may be permanently and adversely changed by the
injury.
8. Insight into a possibly altered "just world" view.
Decision Phase
9. A change of heart, conversion, new insights that old resolution
strategies are not working.
10. Willingness to consider forgiveness as an option.
11. Commitment to forgive the offender.
Work Phase
12. Reframing, through role taking, who the wrongdoer is by viewing him or
her in context.
13. Empathy toward the offender.
14. Awareness of compassion, as it emerges, toward the offender.
15. Acceptance and absorption of the pain.
Deepening Phase
16. Finding meaning for self and others in the suffering and in the
forgiveness process.
17. Realization that self has needed other’s forgiveness in the past.
18. Insight that one is not alone.
19. Realization that self may have a new purpose in life because of the
injury.
20. Awareness of decreased negative affect and, perhaps, increased positive
affect, if this begins to emerge, toward the injurer; awareness of internal,
emotional release.
Experimental Findings:Compared to no treatment control groups, those who
participated in the forgiveness education displayed...
decreased statistically significantly levels of anxiety and psychological
depression – anxiety and depression were resolved.
greater gains in forgiveness, self-esteem, and hope.
changes were maintained on all scales at a one-year follow-up.
The Pyramid Model :
Everett L. Worthington, Jr. (1999)
Step 1: Recall the Hurt
a learning, neurophysiological definition: Fear conditioning: UCS = hurt,
rejection, emotional pain ±
exposure to offender(CS) ±
elicits pain, memories, fear (CR) ±
stress response activated ±
person avoids, withdraws from offender, anger, defensiveness, bitterness
Recall hurt in supportive environment
Low emotional arousal
Tell the story ±
repetition of the CS cognitive element without re-experiencing the depth of
pain
Step 2: Empathize with the One Who Hurt You
Create a State of Empathy for the Wrongdoer
Empathic Compassion: discern the thoughts and feelings of the other person,
entertain a similar emotional and mental state, feel compassion and caring for
the person
consider what the other person might have been thinking, what they might
have felt , during the hurtful event
speculate about what the offender might have been thinking or feeling
during the harmful event
write a letter of explanation, assuming reasonable motives on the offender’s
part
recall good experiences with the offender
actively imagine interacting with the offender during more pleasant times
breathe deeply and slowly (activating parasympathetic nervous system
responses) during the memory or imagery
Allow positive emotional experiences to exist while considering the
offender
Step 3: Altruistic Gift: a state of humility lead through three experiences
that leads to forgiveness
Guilt : person
asked to reflect on their personal guilt – a healthy sense of one’s own
wrongdoing — recognition that one is capable of inflicting pain, harm, or
suffering on another or even just capable of desiring to inflict — guilt is
event focused, not referring to shame
Gratitude : recall
what it is like to be granted forgiveness for their personal guilt, sense of
release, freedom, relief, joy, love, positive emotions — consider how the
offender would experience these feelings if forgiven
Gift : after
identifying own and projected sense of the offender’s experience with
gratitude, see other as needy (through humility) — offer the gift of
forgiveness to address their need
Step 4: Commitment to Forgive
ultimately, forgiveness is only seen & known by the person who does the
forgiving
forgiveness is subject to later doubts
public commitment to the forgiveness, the gift giving
talk about experience of forgiving
write a certificate stating the date and nature of the forgiveness
write a letter of forgiveness explicitly forgiving the person for the harm as
if the person were going to send the letter — not to be sent
read the letter aloud to safe person(s) ultimately, forgiveness is only
seen & known by the person who does the forgiving
Step 5: Holding Onto Forgiveness
note that the memories and painful emotions are not evidence that
forgiveness has or has not occurred
accept that we cannot stop feelings through conscious efforts
learn to manage emotional reactions
remember the decision to forgive, review the certificate of forgiveness
if this not effective, return to early steps and work through again rather
than dwell on thoughts/feelings
recognize that additional forgiveness is sometimes needed: may recall
another hurt or another may occur in present
Developing Empathy: A strategy
Boundaries: I must discern who is responsible for what in order to
forgive.
If there are not boundaries...
L there is no one to forgive – all is my fault.
L the offense doesn’t matter.
L my experience doesn’t matter.
L there is no justice and no mercy.
BOUNDARIES? HOW?: sorting it out
I AM RESPONSIBLE for...
U how I treat myself
U how I treat others
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for...
U how others treat me
U how others treat others
U how others treat themselves
Forgiving Myself?:
Same process as forgiving another person.
Forgiveness is only experienced as real when forgive self.
Cost of not forgiving myself
" unable to be in community
" unable to engage in the joy of life
" unable to process love
How Will I Know When I Have Forgiven?
h Be aware of the specific time I made the choice to
forgive.
h Recognize the process of letting go of the option to
punish the other, the anger, hurt, bitterness, resentment.
h See an increase in perceiving the guilty party in a
new light --a fellow sinful human being who is loved by God.
SOME OF THE RESEARCH APPLICATIONS
T Victim Assistance Programs
T Post-Abortion, both women and men
T Marriage and Family
T Inmates – Correctional System
T Post-War Recovery
T Social – Political Groups
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