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Intimacy: Lifebuilders

 

 

Is Passion just a fruit in the grocery store? Developing Real Intimacy in All Areas of Relationship

Presented at the Lifebuilders @ Elmbrook Church, Brookfield, WI, 01-13-01 by

Dan Green, Ph.D. & Lynne Green, M.S.

Intimacy

a. Separateness

i. Unique person

ii. Private existence

b. Equality

i. Adult to Adult B Peers

c. Flexibility

i. Each can be strong or weak, provide or receive

d. Closeness

i. Move towards and away

ii. Tolerate and Resolve strong emotions

e. Vulnerability

i. Emotion

f. Connection

i. Responsiveness

ii. Communication of value

iii. Heard, Touched, Seen

Pseudo-Intimacy

Sex

Always being close

Absence of conflict

Always intense, constant romance

Enmeshment B being the same

Knowing & Being Known: the activity of intimacy

KNOWING: learning who you are, what it is like to be you

BEING KNOWN: learning how to let you know me, what it is like to be me

WE NEED BOUNDARIES

We are unique and separate

We live in a sinful world

We long to be close

A Tool for Being Together

Where do I meet you?

 

A Tool for Knowing You C Letting You Know Me

2 screens

So, How Do I Gather Information for the Screen for My Spouse?

Total Listening

% maintain good eye contact

% lean slightly forward

% interact with the speaker by nodding, paraphrasing

% clarify by asking questions

% actively move away from distractions

% be committed to understanding what the other is saying

So, How Do I Show What is on My Screen?

Self Disclosure: Observations, Thoughts, Feelings, Needs

L be direct, immediate

L AI@ messages

L be clear about your feelings and wants

L distinguish between thoughts, feelings, and observations

L focus on one thing at a time

L be supportive

Intimacy: With Who?

Self?

Others?

God?

Intimacy: Where?

Communication

Commitment

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

Values-Goals

Aesthetic

Common Tasks

Creative

Relaxation B Play

Conflict

Crisis

Shared Memories

Intellectual

Why is Intimacy So Hard?

Unspoken rules and roles

Personal shame issues

Lack of skills in resolving conflict

Unrealistic expectations

Naive expectations

How Can We Increase Our Intimacy?

Accept and recognize that we have choices

Learn to be realistic

Resolution of personal shame issues

Define and maintain boundaries

Identify and discuss unspoken roles & rules

Embrace God=s view of me

Engage in life together

Seek to Know other B Let Other Know me

 

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Last modified: March 10, 2005