(Marriage, Guilt, & Shame)

by Dan Green, Ph.D. & Mel Lawrenz, Ph.D.

They shuddered among the bushes and the trees, fear and anxiety for the very first time etched on their faces. A quick glance at each other and their faces grew warm with a new sensation--a blush (where did that come from?). The voice of God now seemed threatening, his question piercing: "where are you?" From that day on their marriage was different. They now knew a thing called guilt, felt a feeling called shame. They hid from God using excuses and blame and they hid from each other with fig leaves sewn together. Intimacy and connection were replaced by alienation and disconnection.

Jim knew in his heart of hearts that he was hiding from Roselyn and their kids. It wasn't that he was uncaring. Mostly, he was ashamed of not measuring up, of being a second rate father and a third rate husband--and so he pushed her away. Roselyn grew depressed about it, wondering what she'd done wrong. Shouldn't a good wife be able to make her husband happy? They found themselves confused and frequently in conflict over questions of responsibility: whose fault is it that Jim can't find a job, that Roselyn totaled the car, that Jim's mother doesn't like Roselyn, that most conversations turn into arguments?

Every married couple needs to deal with the reality of guilt and shame. Misunderstand them, and you'll live a confusing and painful marriage; mishandle them and you'll end up damaging yourself and others.

Look up the word "guilt" in the dictionary, and you will find that its primary, historic meaning is "the fact of having done something wrong," whereas "shame" is an emotion that is experienced. "Guilt" is an issue of status and standing. In a courtroom it doesn't matter what the defendant is feeling--the only thing that matters is whether he or she is guilty or innocent. "Guilty" means you've actually done something wrong; in spiritual terms, you've sinned. For our marriages to work well it is desperately important that we remember this. When you "feel guilty" in a given situation the main issue is whether or not you really are guilty. Have you sinned? Have you committed a wrong? Does God hold you responsible for a transgression? The healthy marriage depends on this moral and ethical clarity without which we will never be certain when to apologize, when to confess, when to forgive, when to forbear, when to take responsibility, when to hold someone else responsible.

The problem is, our subjective feelings (our shame) may or may not be a reliable guide. There is Susan who has now begun her third affair, but once again has it all rationalized, blaming her husband's dullness for her need to find other companionship (guilt without shame). Or Mike, who believes that it is his fault that his wife is an alcoholic (shame without guilt). It would be great if our consciences worked properly, but they don't always. "Callused Conscience People" never blush and are never ashamed. They can always look you straight in the eye. "Exaggerated Conscience People" will always take the blame, and their faces often look away. All too often these two opposites find each other and marry. They take on the roles of blamer and blamed.

The emotion called shame in its mildest form it is simple embarrassment; in its most potent form, self-loathing. It is sometimes appropriate (when a person really is guilty), at other times it is an affliction imposed by others.

All shame feels the same--it makes us want to hide or withdraw. It makes us blush, bow our heads, avoid eye contact, become defensive. It is a sense of disconnection from someone else. But there are several different sources of shame.

Moral Shame is that appropriate sense of remorse or regret that we have when we truly have done something wrong. It is the God-given conscience telling us we have sinned, and we react best to it when we swallow hard, confess, and seek reconnection (see Psalm 34). It humbles us when we realize we've lied, or slandered, or cheated.

Imposed Shame is a sense of disgrace or devaluation put on someone who doesn't deserve it. Some people are great imposers of shame. In marriage it is the spouse who spews the venom of demeaning talk in order to dominate the other person or as a way of hiding his or her own sin, or the spouse who pulls away and withdraws. The only way of dealing with imposed shame is to reject it on the basis of God's truth, to place responsibility where it properly lies, to rest in the assurance that one need not "feel guilty" (shame) unless one really is guilty. There is nothing wrong with a resolve that says: I will not let someone else get away with this perversion of truth (see 2 Tim. 1:12). The Devil himself is skilled in the crippling art of accusation and shame.

Natural shame is that general sense that we carry about with us that we are limited, fallible, and frail. It is a kind of humble sensitivity that causes us to go about our days knowing that we will makes mistakes, will probably have to apologize sometime soon, that we cannot go around blaming everybody else for our problems, and that we desperately need God every day of our lives.

In any marriage relationship, guilt and shame are daily realities. Here are seven principles that can be applied by any married couple for a lifetime:

1. If you feel like hiding, ask yourself (and maybe others) why. It may be moral shame telling you that you are guilty, or it may be that someone else is doing a number on you with the tool of imposed shame. What you need to figure out is whether or not you are guilty, and then take appropriate action. Ask yourself: who is it really who caused this disconnection?

2. Resist the temptation to impose shame on others. It just isn't right to get your spouse or your kids to do what you want by belittling, blaming, demeaning, or other forms of emotional manipulation. You shouldn't defend yourself by putting others to shame. Get out of the shame cycle. Avoid using shame to push the other person away which only makes both of you feeling disconnected and alone.

3. Confess to your spouse when you know you are guilty. For some people "I'm sorry" gets stuck in their throats every time. The hardest part about confession is just doing it, but the potential for healing and grace in it is tremendous. It is the Holy Spirit's way of sanctifying us, thus, our marriages.

4. Don't take the blame for things that are not your responsibility. You are not loving your spouse if you assume his or her responsibility or if you let shame be imposed on you. If you find this to be a difficult judgment, seek the perspective of someone else who is honest, mature, and objective, especially if you know your tendency for most of your life has been to take the all the blame and feel all the shame.

5. Seek reconnection with your spouse. The disconnection of shame is no way to live out a marriage. As far as you're able, offer a reconnection either through confession (when you are in the wrong), or honest confrontation (if you're certain that your spouse is in the wrong), or honest exploration (when you're not sure).

6. Let biblical truth shape your mind, heart, and conscience (Psalm 119). It is only as we spiritually grow in our ability to discern the difference between right and wrong, between sinning and being sinned against, that we will be able to judge what is going on in our marriages. Truth is the way out of shame. Christ the Savior has provided forgiveness for guilt and has scorned the shame that infects the human race (Heb. 12:2).

7. Come out of hiding, and help your spouse come out of hiding. At the start Adam and Eve "were naked and not ashamed," and it's not too late for us. People who admit their failings, who forgive and accept forgiveness, and who refuse to accept imposed shame are in a position to enjoy safety and intimacy in their marriages.

Copyright 1 1996 Christian Care Resources (CareRes@aol.com)

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