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Thoughts about Feelings Ingrid Lawrenz MSW Betsy's eyes stung with tears, a knife twisted in her chest. Another woman in her Bible study had just announced she's pregnant. She scolded herself. "I should be excited for her. Jealousy is a sin. These stupid tears make me look like a baby Christian. I should have faith--God will bring me a baby in His time." Betsy decided not to tell even her husband the news. Tim might be able to read something in her tone of voice and become sullen. She felt hot in her face thinking about Tim's unwillingness to see a doctor. He was too proud. Betsy could go to an infertility specialist, as long as it didn't involve him. She hadn't brought this up to him in two years. She reminded herself that it only produced conflict. She didn't want to burden him. He was stressed enough with the church. Glancing down, she realized she had just eaten the whole plate of cookies in front of her. Betsy used all her defenses and self shaming strategies to disassociate herself from her emotions. She viewed her feelings, especially the 'negative' ones, as useless, immature, carnal impulses to be controlled and eradicated. Betsy, like many people, feels responsible for burdening other people with her emotions and avoids subjects that may trigger a feeling in someone else. Are emotions irrelevant, useless irritating human nuisances? Are feelings something to rid ourselves from, like germs, pollution or dirt? Do they only cause trouble? But we know that Jesus as perfect man experienced emotions. He had joy and tears, anger and compassion. God the Father has wrath and pity. I believe emotions can best be understood as neutral internal signals. Emotions are simply reactions--to thoughts, sensations or events. They are similar to the signals in a car, green arrow for right turn, blue sun for bright headlights, red engine light for overheating. These signals provide helpful information for the motorist to continue to make good decisions. However, it is equally true that occasionally the humanly engineered car and the human body can send misleading signals--the gas gauge that says full when the tank is empty, the red engine light that is stuck on. The driver must decide what to do in response to the signals and the situation. We can be filled with fear during an anxiety attack when there is no real danger, or feel intense shame if it's raining on our daughter's wedding day. PMS can even trigger strong anger over lost keys! These misfiring emotions need to be managed by our thoughts and knowledge of what is real and true. Most of the time, however, our feelings are working properly and giving us helpful, realistic information that we can use as an important resource in our daily life. God gave us these emotions as tools to help us cope in life. They motivate us to appropriate action. Shame can lead us to repentance, anger can motivate us to stand up against an injustice. Grief and sadness will help us slow down so we can adjust to a loss. Sharing our emotions with another person draws us into an intimate connection. Accepting and listening to someone else's feelings helps us to know them and creates an empathetic bond. This is the core of intimacy. We don't need to feel responsible to fix their feelings nor do we necessarily need to feel responsible for causing them. Listening and seeking to understand is love in action. It shouldn't be a burden to be intimate with someone emotionally. Maintaining good emotional boundaries are essential to prevent burn out in ministry. Every one has feelings that are experienced on a continuum. They can be intense or barely recognizable. People vary greatly in how strongly they experience their emotions. Feelings are like the weather. There is always weather going on outside. Sometimes the weather is more obvious as in a snowstorm or subtler as in a partly cloudy day in the 70's. Extreme trauma can however, cause a complete numbing out of emotions as seen in the blank faces of war victims on the news. By God's grace we can shut down if suffering has too much intensity, like a blown fuse. As a counselor I urge people to practice good emotional health. Learn how to identify and label your emotions. Accept the uncomfortable ones, journal about the confusing ones. Journaling and talking out your feelings are excellent habits. I appreciate the Swedish proverb "Shared sorrow is halved, shared joy is doubled." You can use your journal in prayer form to process your feelings with God. Emotions are like dynamic moving energy. They are meant to come and then go. Getting stuck in an emotion is dangerous. Hanging on to anger can lead to bitterness and personality changes. Unresolved grief can turn into depression. Many people get in trouble by suppressing, avoiding or pushing away their feelings, choosing instead to overwork, over eat, drink, shop or gamble. Others develop numerous physical complaints or disorders as a result of the stress put on the body by the repression of their feelings. These bottled up emotions than cause barriers between people. Buried emotions are much more dangerous to our lives than experiencing them. A shovel can be used to kill or plant a garden. I thank God for giving us our emotions so that our lives can be richer and more meaningful. Emotions are, after all, simply tools or signals to help us understand, adjust, cope, or change, as we navigate life's challenges. What Our Basic Emotions Signal: Happy: Yes! This is good. I want to pursue more of the same. Fear: Danger! I need to take precaution, be alert. Fight or flight. Hurt: I've been injured. I need to make it stop or pull away. Shame: I am bad or have done wrong. I want to hide. I am disconnected. (Shame can be resolved by repentance, reconnection with the other person or reconnection with the truth.) Anger: Something is wrong! Something needs to change. My body is tense and ready for action. (Anger can be resolved by changing the circumstance or by changing your own thoughts or expectations) Sad: I've lost something. My body has slowed down to make the adjustment. Surprise: I wasn't expecting this! Stop and reorient. |
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