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by Dan Green, Ph.D., Clinical Director Recently, a greeting card had the following message: "Thank you, Dad, for being an example of love, strength, and faith that has helped me love my Heavenly Father." The role of father is very important in the development of every person. Yet, is difficult for many men to have confidence in their fathering. Many have had poor or absent models of fathering. For many men, they have greater confidence in what they do not want to do or be than in how they want to father. In addition to inadequate role models, many men experience other threats to being confident in their role as father. Media and popular cultural images during the last 30 years portray the father as a bumbling idiot who is irrelevant and sometimes abusive. Many hold old beliefs that parenting is the mother’s role. Fathers are thought to be good for providing an income but little else. Many men do not have peer friendships, rather, they often rely on the women in their lives. Women cannot train a boy or a man to be a father. For many men, the vulnerable emotions are seemingly unavailable to them. They have few experiences and little confidence in processing and resolving emotions in a masculine manner. Some Suggestions for Fathers 1. Recognize and Accept the value of what you are already doing. Fathers are very important to their children yet many minimize their role and contributions. Watch your child as you pay attention to him or her, notice how he or she reacts as you praise them. Give yourself credit for your hard work in providing for them. Read Galatians 6:4 and consider the value of what you are doing. 2. Pray with Your Child – Pray for Your Child. As you pray with your child, you are teaching them to pray, how to pray, and that you value prayer. Your child will learn that you hear their prayers, a transition for them to developing the faith that God hears them. Ask your child how you can pray for them, write it down, pray for them while you are apart, and then follow-up with them. Ask them how their prayer has been answered. Tell them about answers to your prayers. 3. Love and Show Respect for Your Child’s Mother. Treat her as your peer and companion, not better or worse than yourself. Model respect for her – this will reflect well on you as well as prepare your child for future relationships. 4. Act Like a Grown-Up Dad. Children benefit from a father who has the big picture, who is more concerned more about what is good for their child than being popular in the moment or avoiding the hard times that come in life. No matter their age, a child always wants their Father to be a Father. 5. Play With Your Child. Meet them at their level. The physical play of fathers is important to your developing child. It is healthy for fathers to play with their children in a manner different from moms’ play. Respect the boundaries that children set in play. Some play may be very physical, other play strategic. Introduce your child to your interests and invite them to play with you as they grow. 6. Let Your Child Get to Know You. Years ago, children learned about life by working along side their fathers and mothers. Our children still long to know us, to understand what our life is like. Recognize that a lot of this learning will occur while sharing in the normal activities of life. Invite a child to go with you on an errand and talk about each other’s day. Share your thoughts, feelings, plans, and hopes. Share with your child your values and why you believe what you do. Invite your child into your world while displaying respect for their world. Help them transition into the adult world by showing them your life, hobbies, and work activities.7. Get to Know Your Child. Your child may be similar to you in some or even many ways but he or she is also uniquely made, different in many ways for anyone who has ever lived. The writer of Proverbs (22:6) instructs us to get to know our child and parent this specific child in the specific manner that is good for this specific child. With children, one size, or one way of parenting, does not fit all. We as fathers are not called to shape a little person in our own image but to prepare this child that God has entrusted to us for life and share with them God’s love and grace. This job is never completed – we can continue to get to know our child across our lifetime. We, as fathers, can discover who our child is in each phase of their life. In this way, we can communicate to our child that they are with knowing, helping them understand that God loves them and wants to be in relationship with them. 8. Practice Forgiveness. Model forgiveness by both offering it to your child and to yourself. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love does not keep a record of wrong. Teach your children how to both offer and receive forgiveness. Apologize when you are wrong. Be clear in defining what wrong behavior is and instruct your child in how to behave correctly. Reconnect with your child after they have apologized. Communicate to your child that the event is over. Teach your child that we can accept forgiveness because Jesus paid the penalty for us. 9. Let Them Win (Sometimes). Help your child develop confidence that they can achieve goals, they can impact their world, that their choices and behavior can make a difference. Provide encouragement, support, and let them know that you believe in them and want good for them. Meet them at their level. Teach them how to lose with self-respect, to cope with disappointments and setbacks. Teach them that integrity, love, and Godly living are more important and more rewarding than merely winning. 10. Take Care of Yourself. Model righteous and healthy living for your child. Continue to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and in relationships. Develop peer and open relationships with other men. Practice healthy living habits. Be aware that we need to replenish ourselves in order to give to others. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Men, be encouraged that your role as a Father is of great importance. There are no perfect human fathers. We can, however, apply God’s love and grace to ourselves and our families. As we walk in faith, may our child or children say "Thank you, Dad, for being an example of love, strength, and faith that has helped me love my Heavenly Father."
© 2000, Daniel R. Green, Ph.D. |
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