Daniel R. Green, Ph.D.

               Illusions that lead to disconnection

C "Our problems have lasted so long, it’s too late to change"

C "My Husband can’t communicate"

C "My wife nags all the time"

C "We’ve grown apart"

C "My spouse had and affair, the marriage can’t work"

C "I don’t love him (her) anymore"

C "I’m not happy because my spouse isn’t happy"

C "I’m not content because my spouse doesn’t meet my emotional needs"

2. Basic Requirements of a Marriage

C 2 autonomous people (leave & cleave)

C Commitment

C Purpose: "Know and Be Known"

C Equipment: Boundaries

3. Short-term Model of Pastoral Counseling

C Counselor is active and directive

C Counseling relationship is a partnership

C Counseling is focused on one central and specific problem

C Time limitation is maintained

STAGES AND TASKS OF STRATEGIC PASTORAL COUNSELING

Encounter Stage

C joining and boundary setting

C exploring the central concerns and relevant history

C conducting a pastoral diagnosis

C achieving a mutually agreeable focus for counseling

C explore the emotional, cognitive, and behavioral aspects of the problems

C identify the resources for coping or changing

C evaluate progress and assess remaining concerns

C arrange a referral (if appropriate)

C terminate counseling

4. Defining the Goals for Pastoral Marriage Counseling

C Describe what you want to accomplish rather than what your spouse is doing wrong

C Describe in Behavioral Terms or Action Terms

          C Build on Strengths

     C Realistic Expectations

5. A few useful interventions

READINGS — BIBLIOTHERAPY

C Scripture

C Self-help books

RECOGNIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF TOUCH IN BONDING AND CONNECTING

IDENTIFYING PATTERNS THAT WORK

1. Optimism

C Exceptions shrink problems

C Exceptions demonstrate that people are changeable

C Exceptions supply solutions

C Focusing on strengths strengthens

2. Discarding the blinders by focusing on the exceptions

C Notice what is different about the times the two of you are getting along

C If you are having trouble identifying current exceptions, recall what you and your spouse were doing differently in years past that made your marriage more satisfying

C You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it

C Focus on what’s doable or possible

C Pay attention to how your conflicts end

C If there are no exceptions, identify the best of the worst

C Notice what’s different about the times the problem occurs but something constructive comes from it

C Notice what’s different about the times the problem situation occurs but doesn’t bother you.

1. Change anything

C What have you been doing to try to make things better? What are your "more of the same" behaviors?

C Where do most of your arguments occur?

C When do most of your arguments occur?

< Try varying the time of day or week you deal with bothersome issues

< Keep peak performance times in mind

< Schedule time-limited conflict resolution sessions

Structured-Fight Task (recall boundaries and personal responsibility)

1. Toss a coin to decide who goes first

2. The winner gets to vent for ten uninterrupted minutes

3. Then, the other person gets a ten-minute turn.

4. Then, there needs to be ten minutes of silence before another round is started with a coin toss.

Benefit: there will be a time to address & resolve problems & it will be time-limited

C Who is more likely to handle certain issues:

< Vary who handles the problem

< Avoid the need for joint decisions by delegating specific responsibilities

< Use the Odd Day, Even Day method

2. Introduce a step in the sequence

3. Try the prediction task

4. Do a 180E

5. Act as if...

6. Actions speak louder than words

7. The medium is the message

8. As a last resort, try the last resort technique

WHEN TECHNIQUES DON’T YIELD THE INTENDED RESULTS

1. The different approach isn’t different enough

2. It’s too soon to tell

3. You’re overlooking the small changes

4. Your heart isn’t in it

5. You find yourself reverting to old ways

QUESTIONS REGARDING CHANGE

1. If the problems between you and your spouse got resolved all of a sudden, what would you do with all the time and energy you have been spending on fixing or worrying about the marriage? Describe what you would do instead.

2. If you went to sleep tonight and a miracle happened so that all your marital difficulties disappeared, what would you be doing differently tomorrow? In what ways would your life change?

3. When your marriage is more satisfying, what will you be able (or want) to do that you haven’t been doing lately?

4. What might be one or two small things you can do this week that will take you one step closer to your goal?

5. What, if anything, might present a challenge to your taking these steps this week, and who will you meet the challenges?

MAINTAINING THE CHANGES

1. Identify the changes

2. To what do you attribute these changes?

3. Describe what you need to do to keep these changes going

4. Develop a plan to overcome challenges

C "How will I handle this situation differently this time?"

C "What do I need to do to get the results I want?"

5. Define backsliding

6. Develop a plan to reverse backsliding

STUMBLING BLOCKS TO AVOID

C Don’t expect too much too soon

C Don’t expect perfection

C Don’t expect failure

C Don’t take change for granted

6. When should I refer?

Indications for referral

C Loss of Reality Contact; Inability to Maintain Reality Testing

C Significant distortions of self

C Danger to them self or to others

C Alcohol, drug, or other substance abuse or dependence

C Demands excessive in light of your other responsibilities

C Demands of situation exceed your professional competence specific to this concern

C Evaluation - Consultation for a second opinion

Interaction with the Treating Professional

C Goal: Work together for the parishioners well-being, a joint and coordinated effort

C Obtain consent from the parishioners for communication between pastor & therapist

C Division of Labor

7. Selected References

Benner, D. G. (1992). Strategic pastoral counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

Weiner-Davis, M. (1992). Divorce busting. New York: A Fireside Book.

Worthington, E., Jr. (1996). Christian marital counseling. 8 approaches to helping couples.

Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1996). Marriage conflicts. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

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