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Resolving
Conflict in Marriage
Dan
Green, Ph.D., &
Lynne Green,
M.S.
Why
Do Marriages Have Conflict?
w We live in a sinful World!
w
You are married
to a sinful person!
w
Your spouse is married to a sinful person as well!!!
When do I become Angry?
w
Unmet Expectations?
w
Wronged?
w
Devalued?
w
Disrespected?
w
Fear?
w
Experience as personal?
w
Taken advantage of?
w
Unmet needs?
w
Feeling powerless? Helpless?
w
Resentments?
What Does Destructive Conflict Look Like in a Marriage
Relationship?
w
Withdrawal?
w
Passivity?
w
Argumentativeness?
w
Passive-Aggressive?
w
Controlling?
w
Overly-Nice?
w
Interrupting one another?
w
Yelling, threats
w
Past brought in as “evidence”
w
Judgment, Criticism
Value of Our Anger
w
Identify wrongdoing, injustice
w
Identify problems, blocks, hindrances
w
Boundary setting, Protection
w
Energy for Change
4 Patterns That Can Harm Relationships
w
Escalation
w
Invalidation
w
Withdraw and Avoidance
w
Negative Interpretations
Purpose of Emotions
w
internal,
personal signal of change occurring either inside or outside of me
w
influences our
energy – increases or decreases – to help us adjust to what is or has
changed
w
the emotion is
resolved when the change, adjustment has occurred
Purpose of Anger
w
Recognize something is wrong, not the way I think it should be
w
Identify what I believe is wrong
n
Preference?
n
Moral
Issue?
w
Identify what must change
n
Within
me? Expectations? beliefs? actions?
n
Outside
me?
w
When change is made, anger is resolved, over
Cost of Unresolved Anger
w
Physical
n
Headaches
n
Sleep problems
n
Digestive problems
n
High blood pressure
n
Heart problems
w
Relational
w
Emotional
w
Mental
w
Professional
w
Spiritual
Misuse of Our Anger
w
Selfish gain
w
Revenge,Punishment
w
Defense against
Vulnerability
w
Illusion of Power
w
Demand for Unrealistic Expectations
Examples of Christ’s Expressions of Anger
"You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape
being condemned to hell?”
(Mat
23:33 NIV)
But when Jesus
turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. "Get behind me,
Satan!" he said. "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the
things of men."
(Mark
8:33 NIV)
How Does Anger Function in My Life?
Intensity – Levels of Anger
My Life Experiences – What have
I learned about anger?
My…
w
Family of origin?
w
Culture? Media?
w
Subculture?
w
Friends?
w
Prior religious training?
w
Relationships?
Myths
Myths (continued)
w
Anger indicates I’m immature, not coping well.
w
It’s sinful to be angry
w
If I acknowledge my anger, I’ll never get over it
w
If I don’t think about it, my anger will go away
w
All I need to do is vent my anger
Myths (continued)
w
God should have stopped (prevented, solved, …) my problems.
w
After what has happened to me, I have a right to stay angry.
w
Letting go of my anger signals defeat.
w
I don’t deserve to feel any better than this.
w
My anger means I’m not trusting God.
What does God want us to do with our ANGER?
"In your
anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
and do not give the devil a foothold.”
(Eph 4:26, 27)
DISCERNING RESPONSIBILTIY?
w I am responsible for…
n
How I treat myself
n
How I treat others
w I am not responsible for…
n
How others treat me
n
How others treat others
n
How others treat themselves
Anger Resolution Strategy
w
I am angry at _______ (about _____).
n
Intensity (1 – 10)
w
I Believe __________ is wrong
n
Preference issue? Moral
issue?
w
I believe __________ needs to change.
n
Within me? Outside
of me?
w
I will do ___________.
What Is Wrong?
w Preference
n
How
I want the world to be
Resolution?
w
Acceptance of reality
w
Change my expectations, demands
w Moral Issue
n
Right
or Wrong
Resolution?
w
Forgiveness
n
Of
other
n
Of
myself
w
New Relationship
Needs to Change?
w Within Me?
n
Expectations
n
Demands
n
Hopes
n
Beliefs
n
Behavior
patterns
n
…
w Outside of Me?
n
Communicated
messages
n
Physical
surroundings
n
Time
together
n
…
When My Spouse is Angry?
w Don’t take it personally
– recognize this is her or his experience
w
Listen to the other person
– learn what they are thinking, feeling, wanting,…
w Separate the person and yourself from the anger
w Problem solve
Fair Fight Rules
w
express your
commitment to your relationship and to your spouse
w
Accept responsibility for what you say and how you treat your
spouse
w
Take your spouse seriously
w
Expect change, compromise
w
Confront to heal – not to win
w
No violence or aggression: physical, verbal, or emotional
Fair Fight Rules (continued)
w
Listen to learn – seek t understand and then be understood
w
If your spouse says “you do”, go with it – seek to
understand from their perspective
w
Agree how you’ll disagree
w
Take a time out – identify when you will return
w
No traingles
w
Act in LOVE
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